Dating Compliments: What Singles Really Want to Hear

Reading time: 7 minutes

You have an exciting match and want to make a good impression, but suddenly your well-meant compliment turns out to be an icebreaker that freezes the conversation instead of bringing it to life. According to a 2023 University of Bamberg study, 68% of women and 52% of men find physical compliments in the first message uncomfortable in online dating. The art lies in showing appreciation without seeming pushy.

Dating compliments can open doors or close them for good. The difference lies not just in what you say but also when, how and what your compliment is about. In this article you'll learn which compliments really build rapport in online dating and which you're better off avoiding.

Why so many compliments fail when flirting online

The basic mistake many singles make: they focus on looks, even though that information has already been communicated through profile pictures. If you write to someone "You're beautiful," you're saying nothing the person doesn't already know or hasn't already heard a hundred times.

An analysis of 500,000 first messages on the platform OkCupid found that messages with generic looks compliments have a 42% lower reply rate than those that refer to profile content. The reason is simple: mass compliments signal a lack of individuality and look like copy-paste messages.

On top of that comes the context of online dating. Many people, especially women, receive numerous messages every day. Anyone who opens with an interchangeable compliment gets lost in the crowd. Authenticity beats stock phrases.

Compliments that don't seem pushy when flirting: the golden rules

Real dating compliments rest on three pillars: specificity, authenticity and timing. A good compliment shows you've really looked at the profile and are interested in the person as a whole.

Rule 1: Refer to specific profile content

Instead of "You look great," try: "Your photo from the Camino de Santiago impressed me. How long were you on the trail?" This compliment acknowledges an achievement and opens up a conversation topic at the same time. You show interest in an experience rather than just in looks.

On Parship, according to the company's own data, messages that engage with hobbies or interests get 3.7 times more replies than pure looks compliments. The trick: you indirectly compliment personality and way of life.

Rule 2: Avoid sexualized remarks in first contact

What you may mean as funny can make the other person uncomfortable. Compliments on lips, figure or "sexy" details don't belong in the first message. A 2024 survey by the dating portal Bumble shows that 82% of female users immediately block profiles after sexualized first messages.

Focus instead on qualities that show character: humor, creativity, courage or passion for a hobby. These dating compliments come across as respectful and show real interest in the person behind the pictures.

Which compliments go over well in online dating: concrete examples

The most effective compliments on first contact combine appreciation with curiosity. Here are tried-and-tested phrasings that actually work:

• "The book collection in your photo reveals a fascinating taste. Murakami and Hemingway side by side, you rarely see that!"
• "Respect for your volunteer work at the animal shelter. How long have you been doing that?"
• "Your profile radiates so much positive energy, especially your description of your last surf vacation made me smile."
• "I find it brave that you're going back to school after ten years in your job. What made you decide to?"
• "Your playlist suggestions are great. Finally someone who describes good music taste with humor!"

These compliments work because they're specific and show you really read the profile. They invite dialogue instead of ending the conversation with an empty phrase. If you want to learn more about the perfect conversation starter, our guide on writing a first message can help.

The difference between flattery and a real compliment

Flattery wants to achieve something, a real compliment gives something. Flattery is exaggerated ("You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen"), while honest dating compliments stay specific and measurable ("Your way of writing is really refreshingly direct").

According to communication researchers at the University of Zurich, our brain reacts differently to the two: real compliments activate reward centers, while flattery triggers distrust. People intuitively sense whether a compliment is meant sincerely or used strategically.

Timing: when to give compliments

The first message isn't the moment for physical compliments. Focus here on profile content and things you have in common. After a few exchanged messages, once trust has been built, you can also engage with photos, but stay specific.

Instead of "You're pretty" after five messages, better: "In the concert photo you're really glowing. The band seems to have been a lot of fun for you." You're complimenting the glow and joy of life, not just the looks.

At the first meeting, different rules apply. Here a sincere "You look great" as a greeting is perfectly appropriate. It shows you were looking forward to it and made an effort. You'll find more tips for successful in-person encounters in our article on handling lulls in conversation on a date.

Dating compliments: keep gender differences in mind

Men and women react differently to compliments, not because they're fundamentally wired differently but because their experiences in online dating differ. Women receive on average ten times more messages than men and therefore develop a finer radar for stock phrases.

According to a study by the dating app Hinge, men are especially pleased by compliments on their achievements, humor or interests. Women appreciate recognition of their intelligence, creativity and personality. Neither gender likes superficial statements about purely physical attributes in the getting-to-know-you phase.

What they have in common: building rapport works best through real interest. If you want to know how to generally stay authentic without pretending, our tips on honest self-presentation are worth a look.

Avoid common mistakes with compliments

The classic beginner's mistake: tying compliments to expectations. Phrasings like "You're so pretty, I'd love to meet you" come across as transactional. The compliment becomes a means to an end instead of genuine appreciation.

Comparative compliments are just as problematic: "You're not as shallow as the others here" puts others down and creates strange pressure. Backhanded compliments like "You look really good for your age" contain hidden criticism.

Excessive frequency hurts too. Anyone who fits three compliments into every message seems desperate or insincere. One well-placed, honest dating compliment has more impact than five half-hearted praises.

The power of indirect compliments

Indirect compliments often work better than direct ones. Instead of saying "You're intelligent," you can write: "Your perspective on the topic opened up a completely new angle for me." The compliment is in the statement without being spelled out.

More examples of indirect dating communication: "I actually laughed out loud at your anecdote" (instead of "You're funny") or "Time really flies when I'm texting with you" (instead of "You're interesting"). These phrasings seem more natural and less calculated.

FAQ: the most important questions about compliments in online dating

How do I word a compliment in the first message?

Refer to specific profile content like hobbies, travel experiences or interesting statements in the text. Avoid compliments on looks and combine your appreciation with an open question. Example: "Your description of the hike through Patagonia sounds adventurous. What was the best moment there?"

Are compliments on looks taboo in online dating?

Not in general, but they shouldn't be the focus of first contact. After a few exchanged messages or at the first meeting, authentic, specific compliments on looks are perfectly fine. Avoid sexualized or purely superficial statements, though.

How can I tell whether my compliment went over well?

Positive reactions show in detailed replies, interest in return or carrying the topic further. Short replies like "Thanks" with no follow-up question often signal disinterest or discomfort. Notice whether your match engages with the content or changes the subject.

How many compliments are appropriate when flirting online?

Quality beats quantity. One thoughtful, honest compliment per conversation is plenty. Too many compliments seem insincere or desperate. Leave room for natural conversation flow and show interest by asking attentive questions rather than constant praise.

What do I do if my compliment was misunderstood?

Stay calm and clarify your intention in a friendly way: "That came across differently than I meant. What I wanted to say was..." Apologize briefly if needed without over-justifying yourself. If the conversation doesn't get going again after that, accept it and move on.

Conclusion: honest compliments open hearts

Dating compliments are effective when they're authentic, specific and well timed. The best compliments refer to personality, achievements or interests rather than purely physical attributes. They show real interest in the person and invite dialogue.

Avoid generic phrases and focus on what makes your match truly unique. A thoughtful compliment can be the start of a deep connection, provided it comes from the heart and not from a pickup-line textbook.

If you want to improve all of your communication in online dating, take a look at our tips on relationship intentions in your profile. There you'll learn how to send the right signals from the start. Now it's up to you: write your next compliment so that it really counts.